In Memoriam

A brief Personal update

I am still here.

To anyone who has noticed my absence, and to all my friends who have already reached out, I am truly grateful. This past year has been a trial, and I am not yet fully returned. However, I wanted to share an update on what has been happening — though it’s hard to know where to start.

I suppose, the big thing is that this past weekend was my birthday. For thirty-seven years, it was a celebration I shared with my father, whose own birthday fell the day after. But this year, instead, we held a memorial for his passing.

There is a unique grief in watching the decline of someone whom you looked up to as a child — the person in your life who was always bigger and stronger, who once seemed to know everything. Perhaps this is the hardest thing we do as humans: bearing witness to our elders as the circle of their lives spirals in on itself, growing smaller and smaller, before they leave.

My father was 78 when he died this past July. For years, he mourned the death of my mother. Before he slipped into unconsciousness, he called her name. I held his hand in the hospital as he let go.

Now he is at peace, and here I am, in my thirty-eighth year, slowly returning to the world. Sometimes it feels like nothing is different. I feel like I’m still expecting a call from him. Perhaps, tomorrow, he will message to tell me everything is fine, and when am I next coming to visit?

But everything has changed.

I know I am not alone in this grief. In these moments, it becomes more important than ever to show up — for ourselves, and for those who share our losses. So I will say it again. And I hope that those of you who are missing loved ones will say it with me:

I am still here.

Because when only one thing is certain, all we can do is keep going, keep striving, keep remembering, keep living, as well as we are able while we may.

For them.